I wrote this back in April of 2008. The girls were 3 weeks old. I will never forget that visit to the doctors office.
3 weeks old!
Wow, its kind of gone by quick. Really next week
they will be a month old? These first weeks that we were in a daze, Im
going to look back and probably get upset I didn't enjoy them more. Its
so hard to when your dealing with 2 newborns, and your not sleeping!
girls are growing up so much. I have been so bad about pictures, but
starting tomorrow will start taking more! They are actually fitting into
up to 10 pound diapers already. I was kind of sad when I realized they
have grown so much they don't fit into the Premmies. They are a little
big on Alex still, but they fit Abby well.
Since you have all been
reading my journal since day 1, I guess I can share some personal info
with you guys. I have been diagnosed with depression. It started out as a
case of the baby blues it what they call them. Started in the hospital.
Crying for no reason, all that. I know its normal. But what I was
feeling wasn't normal. I was anxious, having panic attacks, feeling
helpless, feeling like a bad mother, feeling like I needed to be away
from the babies...hell, I wanted to go back to the hospital where I
could rest, be taken care of, and I could get a break. Then I was
feeling guilty for feeling the was I was feeling. I waited YEARS for
these girls. I wanted to be a Mom more than anything in the world. I was
so confused on why I was feeling this way. We went to the doctor last
week, and Wes actually had to bring it up to my doctor b/c I was ashamed
to talk about it. I told her I was just weepy, and held back how I was
really feeling. But it got worse..everyday I felt worse. And my poor
husband was feeling it too, b/c he was so worried about me he was doing
almost everything!! Telling me he could take care of the babies, you
just relax. I knew I had to do something. So I went back to the doctor,
and she said she was not surprised to see me. She said when the husband
brings up the depression, its usually not just the "baby blues" and she
thought he was concerned about me, which he was. I just didn't want to
admit I needed help. I did to my friends online, and a lot of them
opened up and told me I was not alone, and between them and Wes,
convinced me to talk to her. She put me on 2 different kinds of
medication, and it seems to help a little bit. Im on Xanax and Zoloft.
Im on the lowest does of Xanax, and I think I might have to up that. Im
still having panic attacks after I take one.
Anyway, I think Im
finally over feeling guilty for going through this. I was just scared. I
was not bonding the way I wanted to with my girls. I was not being a
good wife, and was not being a good Mom. But I got help. And I think
things will start to get better soon. I do feel better already, but
still have my moments.
The girls are staying with Grandma and
Grandpa this weekend. I didn't even ask, Grandma offered! I think it
will be great for Wes and I to have a night alone. I know an hour after I
drop them off, Ill miss them like crazy.
Thats all for now!
If you are a new Mom and think you might be experiencing PPD, please don't wait a day longer. Go to your doctor and let them help you!!